World leaders don’t ask me to write their speeches, but they should… Here’s what might happen if they did.

For the Sake of Auld Lang Syne

At this time of year, it’s common to reflect on the last 12 months – what went well and what could have been done better.

Who am I to flout tradition? I too shall reflect. The successes:

1. The British public defied the polls and voted overwhelmingly in my favour. So, no more pandering (or just pretending to listen) to whingeing liberals. Bring on the public sector and welfare cuts!

2. Our economic strategies continue to triumph. Where there is doubt about Conservatives, we point this out.

3. And finally, I got my way when it comes to military tactics. Bring on the bombs!

Auld Lang Syne, Part 2

I’ve realised that I did not mention my… less than successes. This government has a fine tradition of openness so it behoves me to do so.

The wretched lords rejected our tax credits cut proposals. Honestly, talk about biting the hand that feeds! At least the multi-millionaire Lord Lloyd-Webber saw sense and flew back to vote in favour.

Then there was immigration – the fear of which we used to incite votes for us. Turns out, there are more people coming to this country than ever before. We WILL reduce this!

And… Oi, you at the back, shut up!

Oink!

It was really tough limiting these two stories to a mere 100 words each.